improvnonsense:

I’m going to write an article about “improvy” moments in movies. Not moments that seem to be improvised, but story decisions that seem like the kind of decisions that an improv education would encourage.

I have two main examples:

• How in Teen Wolf, the movies treats the emergence of a werewolf…

I don’t know if this counts but Wet Hot American Summer. The whole movie is basically an improv show, especially the part where the can that can suck its own dick comes to life.

Apparently the hippies that run Hollywood haven’t come grips with the real and present danger that Chimpanzees pose to the human race. Chimps may look cute but they harbor a deep seated resentment towards humans and our fully developed brains. The Chimpanzee brain is only developed enough to express one emotion: Jealousy. For this reason, I can’t over-state how important it is that you sit your adorable little children down before they see this movie and you explain to them that CHIMPS ARE VICIOUS FACE EATING MONSTERS.

I wrote that in capital letters because I wanted to stress how much Chimpanzees are vicious, face-eating, monsters that stalk the Earth. I really can’t stress that enough. If you don’t believe me look at this:

http://www.esquire.com/features/chimpanzee-attack-0409-4

or this:

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local&id=7460649

or even this:

Now try watching this disgusting piece of pro-ape propaganda without shriveling up into the fetal position while you cry hysterically and ruin the movie for everyone. I don’t know about you but I hope Oscar the ape dies a horrible lonely death in a forest somewhere far away from our precious children. I’m already having enough trouble sleeping at night knowing that we live in world filled with germs, terrorism, and tidal waves. Now I have to worry about Ape attacks too? Sorry Disney, but I’m already too scared to let that happen.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure was really about smoking weed. On the other hand, Bogus Journey examined the moral subtext of cloning and the ethical implications pre-emptive time travel assassination. This raises the obvious question: Did George Carlin arrange for Tupac’s death by creating an evil Tupac android double and sending it back in time to 1996?

The human heart.

So what I can gather is that a couple of hot teens/young adults/actors pushing thirty are looking for a sweet pad where they can totally crash and get super drunk with their buds. Why You Ask? Probably because it’s spring break and instead of going to Cancun and making all Mexicans regret NAFTA even more than they already do, they decide to go to an awesome cabin in the woods. I guess they read the wrong Craigslist listing. UNDERSTATEMENT.

Now they face something even more dangerous than Yagerbombs: The uh…I have no idea. But it’s something that’s super weird and frightening. My guess is that the charming cabin in the woods that they thought they were going to is actually a front for a secret government death cult that uses alien technology and lake monsters to torture hot teens that are just trying to get drunk and have sex without puking. Those bastards.

That means that lots of young people that you probably won’t care about are going to be butchered by something else that you don’t really care about. Luckily, there is one wise-cracking friend in the bunch. For some reason there always seems to be one. This person usually lives until the end of the movie due to their excellent comic timing and the fact that horror movies do better when there are zingers to punctuate each character’s completely unexpected and not over-the-top death sequence. 

Nonetheless, there is definitely something weird and somewhat skanky that is going to happen at this cabin. If you like that kind of thing (you perv) then this might be right up your pervy alley. Not me though. I’ll be at home watching the CW and trusting that my government didn’t spend a couple billion dollars creating a cabin encased by a force-field with which they would lure unsuspecting co-eds to their early death.

Did you know that the new movie DETACHMENT has a title that is spelled exclusively in capitalized letters? That gives you a good idea how seriously this movie is probably going to take itself. Which is to say that this movie takes itself super seriously. But why wouldn’t it?  As the release clearly states, this isn’t just any old piece of garbage, but a “long-awaited film”.

DETACHMENT sets the mood with somber piano music.This lets you understand that this isn’t one of those movies where Chris Tucker fights the Yakuza or Matthew McConaughey convinces a woman to love him for who he is really is. This movie is real. All text is written in a font that looks like hand-writing. That’s serious. None of the actors smile, because they’re too serious playing sad people. Smiling is for clowns and children that don’t understand pain.

Pretending to be super sad is one of the real challenges every actor, even Chris Tucker, must face. The main technique seems to be turning your head and staring off into the distance. As a viewer you ask yourself why he’s staring off into the distance. What horrible memory is he trying to bury? What pain is he concealing? Why won’t he just turn that frown upside-down?

Adrian Brody’s lead character, Mr. Barthes, has serious problems that probably stem from growing up with a last name that is so close to barf. His life is so terrible that a well-spoken teenage prostitute standing next to him on the street feels compelled to come over and tell him that even though she’s the one that is forced to have sex with strangers to buy some WonderBread from the 7/11, he’s the one with real problems. Really? Did someone actually write that? In the history of the world, I really doubt that that has ever taken place.

There’s also a quirky, artistic loner of a student that likes to take black and white pictures. She takes some of Mr. Barthes and tells them how sad he looks in them. That’s right. We’re supposed to believe that an insecure teenager would tell the full-grown substitute teacher that he looks sad in the pictures she took of him. This has also never ever happened. This is the kind of scene that screen writers love to write and that people hate to watch.

Does every trailer for any movie that happened to show at film festival have to have the names of the festivals written out in chalk on a blackboard? Doesn’t that cliche just make you want to vomit all over the place? I mean for god’s sake. Can a movie really love the smell of it’s own farts this much? The answer of course is a resounding YES YES YES BOTTLE MY FARTS AND GIVE THEM TO HUNGRY KIDS. This makes me sad, because the last thing we need in this world is more farts.